On the Overwhelm

Between the shooting of a young black man by a policeman in Missouri and the police response to the protest that followed and the loss of a beloved celebrity to suicide, there’s been a lot of conversation to follow on some difficult subjects.

Racism. Militarization of police. Mental health. Suicide.

I’ve read so much this week.

Things I agree wholeheartedly with.

Things that have made me think at things in a totally different way.

Things that I disagree with so much that cause me to want to angrily throw my shoe and cry out, “How could you possibly even think that?”

It’s caused me to take a look at the assumptions in my own life.

It’s also emotionally exhausted me.

Every night this week, I had to walk away from my laptop and THEN pry my phone out of my hand to get myself to stop compulsively checking social media for the next must read article.

I damn near had to delete the Twitter app off my phone just to stop the compulsion.

I’ve written drafts for so many blog posts this week that I just couldn’t bring myself to pull the trigger on because I couldn’t tell if they were finished or half baked in the midst of all of the feelings that were coursing through my body.

Even now, I’m not feeling too sure and my inner critic hisses something about who do you think you are to mention your feelings at a time like this.

Yet, I suspect many feel the same… Feeling like you should say something, but not knowing what to say or how to say it, and questioning whether you’re even qualified to say anything at all.

Having to ramp up the self care and pull away, all the while feeling guilty in a time when you feel like you ought to be paying more attention and not less…

It’s okay to sit with the feelings.

It’s okay to not know what to say.

It’s okay to take care of yourself.

I keep telling myself that.