If you were to pull up the list of my daily blog reads, you’d find a bunch of people talking about food.
Some of them are talking about what they’re doing in the food department to promote healthy living in their lives, and some of them are giving an abashed middle finger to that and just covering everything in cheese and chocolate just because YOLO.
But it seems like everybody’s talking about food in some capacity or another… and as a result, I think about food and then feel mildly bad about myself because food is one of those areas in my life where I feel like I’m incredibly fucked in the head.
Three words, my friends: Adult Picky Eater.
Also known as Selective Eating Disorder which is one of those under studied disorders that has yet to make it into the DSM so most of the world just believes you had shitty parents who spoiled you too much as a child and you need to grow the fuck up.
There is little that makes my blood boil as hot as that sentiment, by the way. One stray comment on a blog post written by someone three years ago is apt to sent me into a “fuck you” rage and trying not to write reply comments that detail the amount of torture I wish you in hell.
So yeah, the food thing is a touchy subject…
The way it works out for each individual is different, but here’s how it is for me. Certain foods cause me a great deal of anxiety. When presented with these things my first reaction is complete and utter disgust and an extreme fear that if I try to eat a bite of the offensive food that I’m not going to be able to swallow and I’m either going to have to spit it out or worse, throw up.
Basically when I don’t like how something tastes or feels in my mouth, my body has a rather extreme rejection reaction which can be quite embarrassing.
One of the ways that my picky eating limits me is in the fact that the vast majority of the foods I find unpalatable are foods that are considered healthy. Most fruits and veggies are on my no fly list. As is yogurt, sour cream, and cream cheese. Oh, and don’t forget oatmeal.
But if it’s a meat or a bread or a pasta or some kind of processed convenience food, I can probably eat it without much hesitation.
There are a few fruits and veggies that I can eat… Green peppers, onions, celery, lettuce, apples… but I can only handle small quantities before I start feeling the “Oh my god, this tastes like green and I’m gonna barf” feeling.
This is to say that my diet is extremely unbalanced and not healthy.
I’m caught between this paradigm where everything I can find to put in my mouth that tastes good and I immediately like makes me feel slow, sluggish and bloated, but when I look at healthier options I find myself sick to my stomach with fear and thinking to myself, “I think I’d rather starve.”
I look at the food that Cassie from Back to Her Roots and wish I could find the pictures she posts of her food delicious, because quite frankly, they’re beautiful… but I find myself bristling in terror of actually trying to prepare and eat these foods.
Whenever people are trying to reform what they’re eating there’s always this talk about learning how to not “eat your emotions” which I get… I totally do.. because I definitely do that, but when you add the finickiness on top of it? Literal emotional minefield.
So… really… What do you do?