It’s four in the morning. I can’t sleep. I probably didn’t do myself any favors by just downing a bunch of soda, but I had to get the taste of Texas Toast out of my mouth… and what’s the point anyway? When you can’t sleep, you might as well just stay up and vent what’s on your mind, right?
My sink is full of dishes. I’m pretty sure there are more dirty dishes right now than clean ones. I made a box of Texas Toast for dinner because the cookie sheet was the only thing clean enough to cook with that didn’t require me sitting by the stove to babysit it.
Shit. Did I forget to turn the oven off? Let me go check. No, I didn’t. It’s off now. I’m glad I decided to get up because that might have been bad…
I also feel bad because I said I was going to finish the footer on the website I’m working on and I didn’t because.. well… I’d been sitting on the computer for like eight hours straight working and I’m not used to doing that these days so I just sorta stopped.
The Texas Toast and the soda aren’t why I’m awake though.
We’ve been watching How I Met Your Mother and I usually kind of hate talking about TV shows because I sorta hate reading it when other people talk about TV shows they’ve watched because if I haven’t seen it already, I generally don’t want to know… either because of spoilers or because it’s boring to have to read about a show that you know nothing about… but you know, I’m just stalling.
We got to the episodes in season six where Barney meets his dad, and I kinda lost it… There’s a scene where he goes and has dinner at his dad’s house with his dad’s wife and his 11 year old half-brother, and he’s not so nice to the little half-brother and well… I know it’s a TV show, but it cut a little close to the bone.
I feel like there should be an explanation there, but right now… I just can’t. Maybe one day. But not today.
Authentic Experience is a hard title to have to live up to. I stole it from Outlandish Josh. He doesn’t blog much anymore, but when he does his “life” posts are tagged authentic experience… He’s one of the few bloggers that I’ve ever taken the time to dig into the long trail of archives on. He’s a good writer… and one of the things I took away from his authentic experience posts over the years is that none of us are alone in this.
And that’s what I’ve always wanted this blog to be… A place that’s reflective of what the authentic experience of life has been for me. I want to be candid. I want to be honest… and it’s not that I’m not those things, but I take the easy road most of the time. There are hard subjects that don’t get the attention I wish I were brave enough to give them.
And when I do get to them? I start them out by talking about Texas Toast and leaving the oven on because the only way I can get it out is to do a self-deprecating stream of conscious brain dump that I probably won’t even edit. How’s THAT for good writing, suckers?
The truth is… sometimes the authentic experience is hard, but that’s what makes us who we are.
Sometimes I think you just have to write your way through all the words that are standing in between you and whatever it is you want to say. It sounds like you’re zeroing in on something big. And anyway, I’m glad you turned the oven off!
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It really is the only way to get some things out… I always feel kinda silly later when I’m reading through what I’ve written, either publicly or privately and realize I spent two paragraphs writing about why I love mayonnaise or some other random thing before I got to the heart of whatever’s on my mind.
Hmm…very true last lines. It’s hard to decide how much of it to share, as well…
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It is. Especially when some of the stories involve other people.
I know exactly what episode you’re talking about and I hope everything goes ok.
lovely post.
Riana recently posted..Get Healthy Tuesdays
I think things will work themselves out in the end. It’s just going to be a process to get there, you know?
Revelations in our work, especially personal essays are necessary to the process of healing. I find it cathartic. That being said the point of writing, for most people, is to control what they express and who they express it to.
So reveal your self when you’re ready – or not at all. The cool thing is, it’s totally up to you how much you share and when you share it!
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I agree with this wholeheartedly. It *is* a very cathartic experience. I’m still doing a lot of questioning of myself in regards to what I write publicly on a lot of the issues I’m grappling with… and it’s especially hard when I’m going through a period where I don’t have as much time to write.
Yes, I know this. The difficulty of wanting to be authentic and real and raw. But self-filters jump in and we spit out a sanitized, family-friendly version of that experience. It’s just easier, isn’t it?
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Absolutely! It’s often so much easier to post something that’s light and inoffensive… and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I know I like some of the sillier link-ups I write posts for and posting pictures of the cookies I’ve made or whatnot… but I often long to dig deeper than that, and it’s scary at times… especially when I start thinking about how my close friends and family might react.
I remember the episode. It’s when Barney goes nuts on the basketball goal.
Sometimes it’s hard to be that authentic. It’s raw and it hurts. And sometimes people judge us for it.
I have that argument with hubby, who wants my blog to be happy all the time. But I think the bloggers I identify with most are the ones who are authentic, which makes them human and I can relate to that. Maybe there’s a balance?
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Balance is something I try to strive for… I know some people think you should only share the positive, but my life isn’t always positive. Sure, I don’t want to sit and write how much my life sucks on a daily basis because that would be a killjoy, but I think it’s important to recognize my struggles and be honest about them… even if I don’t go into great detail.
Nikkiana most of my blog posts are funny because I really struggle to write about the sad or difficult things. My friends tell me that get relief out of writing about their hard times but when I try the words don’t want to come out.
I find that I can be on either side of that coin… I’ve had times when writing about a difficult subject is cathartic and the words come relatively easy, and other times I get stuck and my inner censors are just so strong that I can’t break through no matter how much I want to write about the topic.
I wish I had a better gift for humor… Some of my favorite bloggers are rather humorous writers.
But, Texas Toast is authentic, isn’t it?
I think it is.
It’s also delicious.
Ahhh, yes. I know this feeling well. I try to be as authentic as possible in my writing but there are parts of me and of my life that I have to hold back. Not because I don’t want to write about them but because I can’t write about them. They are not just MY stories to tell. It’s a very hard balance sometimes. Great post!
Delilah recently posted..So What?
Part of why I decided not to dig any deeper in this post in regard to the emotional response that the show caused me was because I part of what I wanted to write about isn’t my story to tell publicly. One of the hardest things I grapple with is stories that have to do with other people… I made a bad choice once when I was younger and it backfired in my face, so I’ve tended to be overly cautious since then… but at times I wonder if I’m being too cautious.
So I’m reading this and all I can think is “When is the authentic experience easy?” Ha!
Which I suppose means I hear you on the Texas Toast.
Believe me.
And life’s always a little bit hard, right?
Well… Texas Toast makes authentic experience a little easier to stomach sometimes.
So far I try to avoid the “hard” stuff. When I do blog about some of it, I try to just brush past it. Maybe once I’ve been at this longer I’ll be more comfortable with that. For now, I’ll stick to sarcasm.
In my house, I’m well known for forgetting to turn the oven off.
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I’ve been blogging for 15 years and I find the comfort level waxes and wanes. There are times when I feel very comfortable diving into the hard stuff, and other times when I’m much more hesitant… I find a lot of it comes down to my assumptions as to who’s paying attention. If I’m getting a lot of feedback from strangers, I tend to be more bold… If I’m getting a lot of feedback from people I know in the offline world, I tend to be more hesitant.
First of all, I love both TExas toast and dirty dishes. I like the way you shared up to the level you were comfortable and didn’t go farther or force yourself to reveal too much. That’s a great skill.
Thanks. I felt kind of strange cutting myself off abruptly like that… but I knew if I didn’t, I wasn’t actually going to finish the post.
I suppose I ought to go start on those dirty dishes… They’re beginning to taunt me. Plus, I’m now out of clean forks.
I write my authentic experience all the time and then my husband tells me my blog it too depressing. How ya like dem apples? It’s so frustrating. I am depressed. We are very different people and we deal with things differently. I post about things that are on my mind, in my heart. Things that need to come out. ANd he would rather everything be all shiny and pretty all the time. But real life ain’t all sunshine and roses, I tell him.
I wish you’d make some more texas toast and write about what’s really on your mind.
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You’re right. Life isn’t all sunshine and roses all the time, and personally… I think it’s a little silly to pretend like it is. Plus, I think that being honest about struggles is actually a healthy thing.. Not to mention, you can end up making an a real positive impact on someone who might be going through something similar… which I know is one of my main motivations for sharing things that are less than easy to talk about. I love to think that maybe something I shared might cause someone else to think, “Hey, I’m not alone in this.”
This was great. That’s all I can say. Just great…well, besides the fact that I’m now craving Texas Toast and coke.
I love this! And I think it’s pretty damn authentic!
I think we all tend to take the easy way out. Honest writing. Ellen
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I am a writer and I took a novel-writing class from Anne Lamott. I always follow her words: Dare to write about your life as if all the people you know are dead.
Just dare to. Even if you need to take on a pseudonym! (-:
Writing is good for the soul! Way better than washing dishes.
What Ado said! I took an autobiography course a few years ago and it changed my life. Like you said, the authentic experience is hard, but it’s worth it. To live that way and to write that way.
heidi recently posted..14 years ago
authentic matters – it’s the only thing (besides land, scarlett, but that’s a line from another movie) – but authentic is hard b/c we frequently don’t know the filters are in place until afterwards…and then we have to pry off the filter, pry away the ingrained “be nice” … it’s hard. but good writing IS hard. there are no shortcuts. dang it.
unrelated question: er…what’s texas toast?
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Oh my your nighttime mind works just like mine. I regularly have to explain to my husband how I got from A (say, Texas Toast) to B (authentic experience, perhaps)? Love your writing style, brain dump or no.
I love so many things about this post. Too many to articulate, really. Most of all I love the authenticity of your words, the wandering of your thoughts. Your humanity is palpable and that is rare. So happy to be here reading.
The right thing to do is rarely the easiest, but carries the most reward. Keep on living authentically. It’s the only way to live!
P. S. does your oven have a timer?
Bill Dameron recently posted..Object of my Desire
Honestly it was the Texas Toast that drew me in to read this entire post. I recently discovered it and it’s sooo good! Lol. But seriously, I like when bloggers write stream-of-thought like this. I quite often think this way and it’s nice to run across someone else who does too. Thank you for striving to be authentic, whether it’s about deep things like your dad or not-so-deep things like Texas Toast. It’s refreshing to find a blogger that isn’t afraid to just be real!
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What a great idea! I’m going to get some texas toast. My wife made some strawberry jam recently and I have yet to have some.
By the way, I enjoyed your post.
Rick@scrunchydoo
It’s 1am and now I want some Texas toast. Thanks a lot.
I remember those episodes of HIMYM and though I don’t know your story, Barney’s was quite raw and honest.
Looking forward to reading more about you.
Jay- The Dude of the House recently posted..Life of Dude
I have never watched HIMYM but I know enough about it to abbreviate it that way. I hate when shows rip me apart unintentionally. Being authentic is hard. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes you’re not ready for it to. And when you are ready to share those things, I look forward to reading them. (PS, I forget to turn the oven off all the time.)
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