I had been assigned to teach a group of women how to admin a Drupal website. I don’t know much about the group but I recognize a handful of names as being somewhat influential people in the self-help and motivational speaking sector of the blogosophere.
I’m all dolled up and totally uncomfortable because my heels pinch and my eye itches and I can’t do anything about it because then I’ll get mascara all over my face and worse, it’s a group full of women. There is nothing that makes me more uncomfortable than getting put in a group of women.
The silver lining is there’s also a table full of baked goods.
However, this is NYC and this is a group full of women. Women are excessively body conscious here. Nobody is eating the baked goods because everybody’s on some gluten-free no-carb no-sugar no-fun diet and is sitting there staring at the baked goods with a considerable amount of scorn… and the only person who’s grabbing and shoving shit in her face is me.
That’s when I spot the gigantic fucking cookie… which is like half baked so part of it’s just dough and I’m all, “Hell to the yes!” inside when the lady who is obviously the most bitter about the fact that she can’t have any baked goods comes up to me in with her pointy surgically altered nose and says, “You’re actually going to eat that?” about the giant cookie in my hand.
And I’m all like, “Yeah, I actually am. Way to be a cunt,” and as I turn and walk away, I hear a couple of gasps and suddenly I realize that I said that last part out loud.
I’m all like, “Shit! I wasn’t supposed to say that… That’s so unprofessional. I’m gonna get fired!” and I start doing that whole tippy-toed thing that passes for a run when you’re wearing heels that I’m pretty sure is no faster than actually walking fast in heels but you do it anyway for dramatic effect and I’m beginning to cry as I’m trying to make my way to the safe sanctuary of the ladies bathroom.
Some lady calls behind me, “What happened?”
Through my sobs I’m all like, “That bitch implied I was fat for eating a cookie!”
I can hear someone in heels hot on my trail and I bust through the bathroom door and let out a sob and then hear a voice say, “Yeah, she really was a cunt. I like it when people call it like they see it.”
I turn around and it’s Ash Fucking Ambirge from The Middle Finger Project.
And that’s when I woke up with my heart pounding like I was on the brink of having a sleep induced anxiety attack and thought to myself, “Obviously, I’ve got some issues to work through.”