The waves of anxiety are crashing over me. I feel like a terrible weight is sitting on my chest. I argue with myself whether it is better to go outside and take a walk around even though there’s nowhere to go or to just curl up in bed and retreat inside of my mind for awhile and probably fall asleep. I know myself, I’ll probably opt for the nap.
There were tentative plans for dinner tonight with a friend, plans I will likely cancel because I do not have the money for such things…. plus, there’s the whole weight on my chest issue, this feeling that makes me want to stay in. It’s not that I don’t want to be sociable, because I do… It’s just days like these are hard to pull it together. I’d rather someone come here and make me dinner, because the idea of putting on real pants right now seems too difficult.
I search for why I’m feeling this way.
It’s likely the money… We’re in the waiting game now. The project has been shipped to the client and the bill has been sent. There are a few clean-up tasks still left to do that I keep dragging my feet on doing, because browser compatibility is probably one of the most degrading tasks in web development. I’m just waiting for a check now, and I’m down to my last $20…. This last stretch before a slightly indeterminable payday which will likely be sometime next week is the worst. It makes you feel like a failure because you couldn’t keep enough money in your bank account to keep yourself comfortably covered…. and you want to go buy groceries, but you can’t because the boyfriend took back the money he’d left out for groceries several days before. I’m not mad about it… it was his money, and it seems selfish of me to be tired of eating the chili I’ve been eating for the last three days.
It might be the sound of the men in the backyard that I don’t want to be there. They speak in a mix of Spanish and English, and I struggle to figure out what they’re talking about. I pretend that they’re up to no good, that they’re drug dealers and thugs but I don’t know if that’s true. I’m afraid to go to my window and tell them to go away in case it is true. And then I feel horrible making the assumption that they might be dangerous, because they might as likely be nice people who like to head out to backyard and smoke weed after work. I can’t begrudge anyone that, really. But, I still don’t like strangers being in my backyard, the yard that my window sills are the sills that the strangers lean upon. I get up and put on music to drown them out. Today I pick an obscure defunct band from Toronto called The Brown Hornets. I can still hear them out there though.
There’s a laundry list of things I should be getting done, but I can’t bring myself to do any of them. Today, everyday things are too hard. I have to settle for just existing, just being. If I do that, I know the weight will lift and I’ll be back to making a hack at getting things accomplished. I remind myself that this is alright. That feeling guilty about what today feels like is just going to prolong the suffering.
Today is what it is. Tomorrow will be better.