I’ve had lots of thoughts so far this week, but every time I try to put the pen to paper (or cursor to text area as the case may be) either nothing comes out, or something that I’m not terribly compelled to share with the entire world comes out. Some days are like that, and often times with me I feel like they tend to come in a row.
My job has me out of my comfort zone and working at a breakneck pace on a project developing a training course. It’s the first time I’ve worked on something like this before, and let’s just say I’m feeling a little wobbly on my feet. I’m supposed to have it roughed out by Friday, and I feel like I’m a quarter of the way there…. I did an impromptu presentation of what I had so far on Tuesday with my boss and one of the employees of the company who we share an office with. I got some valuable feedback, but I also got a big jolt of fear.
I realized that I’ve not made peace with the fact I very well may be presenting this day long training course in the not too distant future… and well… this might surprise the people who know that I don’t have much problem taking my clothes off in public, but speaking in front of a group of people puts the sort of fear in me that anxiety attacks are made of.
Seriously, someone ought to call in the Xanax prescription right now because I’m probably going to need it.
I haven’t much doubt that I’ll conquer the fear. I know I’m more than capable and I have expert level knowledge to share, but I’m at that point with my fear of public speaking where given the option I would avoid and run away, and want at very least to drag my heels and process the fact that, “Yes, this is happening.”
Which is probably why I got shit all nothing done on it yesterday. I felt like I was staring at the wall most of the day and feeling paralyzed with how to proceed… That’s not entirely true, I spent a lot of time thinking about how I wanted to approach some technical issues unto which are somewhat complex, so what didn’t get written at least got thought about…. which I suppose is progress because the next time I sit down to write, things will come out much easier. But a day with a lack of tangible evidence of progress? Utterly nevewracking.
I keep having to remind myself to be kind to myself, and the be patient. Things will come together.