This week, I bid farewell to the company that I’d been working for since October… thus I got what I was secretly wishing for, some time and space to sit down and really explore what it is that I want to do with my life.
Despite the fact that it’s my intention to explore this big life question… I’ve started out my newly found time off curled up in bed with the covers pulled over my head trying to avoid it because.. well.. sometimes scary shit comes up when you start thinking about how you’d like your life to be.
Because it’s always the biggest, scariest thing that floats to the top for me…
Case and point… Having a baby.
Because, yeah… sure… I think it would be pretty swell to have a little human that eats and poops and makes funny faces whenever he/she has gas eventually, but that’s not one of those things that’s in the cards right this minute. There’s shit to get done in the mean time… Like, making money and learning how on earth to keep my house a little closer to upkept so said hypothetical baby won’t choke on say… a pin that says “I Love Yarn” that happens to be sitting on the floor.
Nevertheless, it’s a goal. On the tail end of the five year plan… but you know, it’s a thing and it’s there and I might as well admit that I go fucking bat shit baby crazy at least twice a month opposed to pretending like it’s never crossed my mind ever.
Oh, and so there’s two reasonable goals that I could and should be working on RIGHT NOW buried right in there… make money and be a better housekeeper.
But of course, like anything… Those are loaded items.
Making money is one of those things that’s tied right in there with trying to figure out what to do with my life… I haven’t been exceptionally happy with my career path up until this point. I largely fell into web development because I had a passion for sharing ideas and connecting people, knowing how to code just happened to be a means to an end… Somewhere along the way, I got disconnected from my passion and just fell into writing mindless code… and I wasn’t built to be a code monkey. I just wasn’t… but that’s what I am now, and I’m not sure how to dig myself out of that rut. Mostly because I don’t really have an alternate plan.
Oh, I have a million ideas of things that I think would be interesting to do…
Like… I think it would be cool to be a record producer, or a life coach, or someone who owns a business that makes open source audio hardware, or an author, or someone who makes their living tweeting random crap for people, or starting a t-shirt company with witty crap that my roommate comes up with (I’d give you a cut, Jed), or becoming a stand up comedian (I seem to want to do this every time I watch Louis CK)…. and I suppose… it’s not that I couldn’t do any of those things… It just seems very daunting to pick something and try it out.
Then there’s the housekeeping thing…
I made an effort today, which is more than I can say about most days. I went through and made a big long list of projects that I saw around the house that I ought to take care of a la Apartment Therapy’s January Cure… then, since I was feeling like doing something… I washed the dishes and cleaned the bathroom sink. It wasn’t much.. but it was something.
Confession: I may have actually made that effort just so I could say in my blog post that I made the effort. But whatever motivates me… Right?