I’ve been trying to convince myself to just up and delete my OkCupid profile. I just seem to have this issue with up and deleting things, though. Nevermind having a somewhat sentimental attachment to the service because several people that I consider to be close friends were met as a result of answering messages on that site and then subsequently going on dates.

The thing of it is this though… OkCupid tends to be the hookup site of dating sites. Okay, I know that’s not universally true because I know of several people in serious relationships that started because of OkCupid, but at least in New York City…. It’s the hookup site of dating sites. Or at very best, the friends with benefits finder.

Also, when I answered 90% of my questions, I was married and in a polyamorous relationship and I was okay with gathering a collection of friends with benefits. I’m not in that place anymore. I’m separated, gathering up my courage to do the paperwork to get a divorce, and wanting to get myself into a nice monogamous relationship with someone who wants to make beautiful babies with me.

So, by far and large I’ve been ignoring the messages I’ve been getting on OkCupid. Most of them are ignore worthy anyway because they’re along the lines of “ur so hot! i wanna get to know u!” from people who have a 50% match rating with me. I’m assuming “getting to know me” means they want to shove their dick in my ass or some such.

However, night before last I got one from a guy wanting to talk about books which is a step above… so I wrote back to him… and we talked about books for about four messages before he asked me on a date for Friday night and my reaction was to freak the fuck out. Not in reply of course, but freak the fuck out as in pace around the house and demand from my friend Phil reasons why any man might feel entitled to ask me on a date on a FRIDAY NIGHT of all times.

For the record, Phil is a saint. Except for he’s not because to be a saint you’d have to be dead. And Catholic. And Phil isn’t either of those things. He’s just fucking awesome.

So, the Friday night thing. I’m sure this is one of those neurotic things I’ve developed because I’m me and because I’m weird, but I really dislike being asked out on dates on Friday or Saturday nights. In my world, those are evenings reserved for my circle of friends. If you’re asking me on a first date, you’re not one of those people. Also, Friday and Saturday nights mean the vast majority of people don’t have work the next day so the temptations for things like sleepovers are too high and while I’m a notorious fuck on the first date kind of girl, I’m trying really hard not to do that anymore.

Then of course, the other strike against the guy was he was 24. Not that there’s anything particularly wrong with 24-year-olds…. and I shouldn’t be casting judgement toward someone I don’t even know anything about… but if you want to go on stereotype alone, 24 isn’t exactly the age that I associate with having marriage and a baby high on the priority list. I think I’m looking for someone a little closer to 30 for that.

Phil tried to convince me that just because he was 24 was not a good reason not to go on a date, which ultimately he did convince me because I did write the guy back today suggesting Monday or Tuesday of next week… but not without some theatrics on my part. I was already on my way to an existential panic attack about how I’m the most undesirable person on the planet to which Phil reminded me for about the billionth time that I’m not and how he just knows that I’ll find someone, so on and so forth… which sent me off on a five minute time out where I walk away from the computer and bawl my eyes out like a baby.

When I calmed down and came back, Phil and I got into one of those conversations. You know, the ones where you end up having some epic realization about yourself and your neuroses. Which for me ultimately ended up being I”m afraid to say what it is I want out of a relationship because I’m afraid I’m never going to get it, so what’s the point wanting it in the first place when you’re just going to end up being disappointed.

When I type it out, that seems like the most illogical thinking ever.

He then posed an exercise for me. Come up with a list of things that you’d like to have completed or be in the next five years. Which of course rolled me into round two of crying theatrics central, but once I was done being a baby about things… the list did come pretty easily. As in… I had list in literally five minutes.

Get divorced – While we’ve been separated for over a year now, we’ve still not made it legal. There’s no good reason why we’re still legally married now other than neither of us like to do paperwork. This needs to happen.

Stop drinking soda – I wrote a whole blog post about this a week or so ago, and while I don’t know if being abstinent is the way to go entirely, I’m certainly trying to get it cut back to a can a day or a can every few days.

Stop binge drinking – This has been a goal of mine for awhile now. There was a period of time that you pretty much couldn’t take me out drinking without me coming home three sheets. Now, there’s nothing wrong with doing that once in a blue moon… but this was becoming one of those not once in a blue moon occurrences. Moderation, moderation, moderation. I’m doing better at it. I went to an event last night that I’d normally get totally trashed at and only had one drink and came home sober AND got home before midnight. I was pretty impressed with myself.

Learn to cook and eat better – Ever since I took the turn into poverty, I’ve started cooking and eating at home rather than going out to dinner every night. However my diet seems to be limited to spaghetti, hot dogs, and chicken noodle soup. For a bit I was trying to get into oven pizza but every time I tried cooking that, I ended up setting off the fire alarm so now I’m effectively afraid of the oven. (I know, that probably means I need to clean it… I’ve just never cleaned an oven before…) But long story short… none of these foods are particularly good for you. I need to eat better.

Find a nice guy and get married again – So, maybe this one might not get done in the next five years but I have hope that Prince Charming will emerge and sweep me off my feet one of these days. I suppose it’s not helping that I’m afraid of dating though.

Make a crocthfruit baby – Dependent on the previous goal, obviously. This goal frightens me. As well it probably should. But seriously… suddenly I realized how old I actually am. I’ll be 28 in two months, and while that’s certainly not over the hill I was suddenly realizing that I’m not getting any younger, and I don’t want to be in my late 30s when I have kids. Suddenly, late 30s don’t seem all that far away.

The thing that surprised me the most about the list I came up with was that it didn’t include career goals. Sure, I have some… Sure, I’d eventually like to shift gears, but goddamnit… that whole baby making thing is clouding my vision.

How about you? Do you have any goals for the next five years?